Mixed feelings

Wow! Sometimes we come upon us that make us think or feel without expecting it to happen. I was reading a friend of my fiance's blog.It gave me very mixed feelings.It was on marriage and divorce and how God wants us to remain together once we make this commitment.Yet often that isn't how it works out.I did marry and part.It was the hardest thing ever for me to do.I too wanted to stay together forever and be as one for my kids.But circumstances made the need for me to go sssooo much greater than those to stay.But the reason for my mixed feelings was not only from this.It is from the wonderful miracle that God has blessed me with.He did not smite me down for the mistake I made at all.But instead for some reason he gave me the most incredible miracle.A man so loving and caring and amazing,and the chance to marry my best friend,soulmate and love.Had I only met him sooner we may have both had the chance to keep our promisses to us and to God.For he too,not by his doing,had a failed attempt at marriage.But my blessing of my kids can't be overlooked either.I wouldn't trade them for the world!So in that part not all was lost in my first marriage.But to have the chance to wed again ,this time in a church with God standing over us,I know I will remain with my true love til the end of time.As a very wise man once said"God needed to shape us into the people we are in order for us to be who we are for each other"(i know my wording isn't exactly on but you get the idea.lol)And I get the extreme pleasure of becoming this wise mans wife!
I took no offense from this other blog at all it just made me think and had the need to put out some thoughts.

Mixed feelings(full circle)
Happy,full of dreams,loving life and where you are.
Confusion sets in,troubles abound,tempers flare.
Alone,sad,empty,wanting to run,yet no where to go.
Walls are up,heart is broken,tears flow.
Then need,want and desire to be released from this pain.
Scared,unsure,insecure ,it happens you flee to be free.
Really alone,on your own,feeling helpless yet finding peace.
Finding peace within,happiness begins to return,life begins again.
Spreading wings,opening doors,finding out that there is life out there.
Again uncertain,yet full of anticipation for the next turn.
Then suddenly love is found,heart opens,walls are gone.
Happiness abound,smiling at every turn til cheaks hurt.
Heart feels more joy than ever thought possible.
Tears flow in awe of the miracle recieved as the heart overflows with joy.
You look around to see if things are real.Pinch yourself.
A second chance.Determination to make things work,yet incorporate the
old with the new.Join two lives to one,and then add 3.
Oh such mixed feelings we feel.
But we seem to come full circle at times.
For again I am...
Happy,full of dreams,loving life and where I am.

I thank God daily for this blessing of a second chance at happiness.For "to love is to see a glimps of heaven".

For moose's friends...

I will keep this short due to night shift fastly approaching and sleep is much needed.But I know I snoop at blogs of Moose's friends when they post so if you all do the same I want you to know a little bit about what I'm like.
Deep friendships ...I have many aquaintences but great true friends I have few with very strong bonds.My home is always open to my friends and the same goes for Mooses friends.(but warn me.lol.I have a three man wrecking crew.lol.)You will always have an open door and be welcomed.I am easy going and although I would love to have him all to myself.lol.I don't expect that.Boys nights out are always expected to happen too.Just please send him back when your done. Please! And I promise we'll get back for church off and on too.Well I must run to bed.I look forward to getting to know you all better.Tc. And God bless.

"Finding yourself..."

This post coincides with that of my guy Moose's.

I too have just come to find myself.Brad Paisley says it so well."Sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well"
Marriage to me was marrying your best friend and being forever.However, it took me to hurt, feeling alone and stressed.It broke me down when I always felt so strong.It was a hard blow to take.My dream of a perfect marriage shattered.Defeated and having to walk away from it was the hardest for me to accept.I swore I'd" never bother with another headache again".I was determined to be alone forever.

One day I woke and realized that at 37 at the time ,if I was lucky enough to live to 80 over half my life would entail being alone.Yikes!!

Wow does God work in mysterious ways!!!! ????I'm not much of a social butterfly.I had almost become a hermit,so how do you meet someone if you never go anywhere?Girlfriends had looked at dating sites for fun.I thought they were crazy at first.Then I thought...no worse than meeting some creature in the bar.lol.So I got brave.First I went on as just looking for friends to hang with but kept my pic private.I hate work gossip and didn't want to become a topic.Then with time I desided I didn't care what others thought and posted my picture anyway.I realized I too would rather see the face of those I desided to talk to.I met a few very nice people,some I never saw or talked to much past the first coffee,others have remained friends and we check on each other from time to time.I had actually dated only one for any length of time.He seemed like such a match ( I took my profile off he seemed so perfect)until the lies came forward.Then coffee with one other that started with a confession of a g/f and a baby.Geesh.Why go on a dating site then?I became disheartened and still kept my profile off.Then one late night I just thought I'd look around and see who was on and read a few profiles.This was intended to kill bordom and nothing more.I was taking a break from guys for now,or so I thought.One profile really caught my attention,but I kept to my guns and logged out.
A few hours later before retiring to bed I felt compelled to re read his profile again.It sounded like the perfect man.But then again,don't we all try to sound good to others on dating sites if we can?lol.But something told me "You'll never know if he's for real if you don't contact him","What have you got to lose?"I again chickened out.But I didn't sign out.I found myself re reading a few times over.Then finally desided a "hello I'd like to know more about you"contact would put the ball in his court.I included a private invite so he could see my profile and who he may contact if he chose to.I half didn't expect to hear from him.It was early in the morning/late late night when I sent it.Later that day I got a reply saying yes he would like to chat.My heart jumped.MSN was the place we first talked.Our hello turned into a 5 1/2 hr talk.It was like we knew each other for years.We even then and to this day said or typed the same thoughts at the same time.We talked, we laughed until we near cried.We clicked on so many levels it was almost to good to be true.The next day we talked again for hours,then desided we should meet.To Radisson we went for coffee after he finished work.At first sight I thought he was incredible...I prayed his profile was true and on the up and up.During our talk I was able to see that so much of what he said was truth.I even got paper varification on somethings.lol.And the greatest was when we met up with a couple he knew from church.They,from a short talk,confirmed so very much more about him without even knowing it.My dream man was for real!!!!!!!Our good bye in the parking lot seemed like time stood still.Neither of us wanted to part.But the mosquitoes over ruled us.If we didn't part we would become bloodless creatures in the night.lol. Like lovers in past lives reunited, we never looked back.We've bin together ever since.We needed to continue to see each other.I later found if I hadn't of contacted him,after also being discouraged by lies and peoples inability to be real,he was going to pull off his profile.Had we not contacted each other that day or two we may have never had met!GOD HAS TRULEY SENT ME AN ANGEL!(to this day with the timing and dates I also feel that my dad as a guardian angel also had a hand in finding me my happiness)
A few weeks into meeting my heart just knew I was meant to be with him.I emailed a g/f and told her to keep my email as reference and that I would someday marry my new sweety.I just felt it.Again shortly after he confirmed he was feeling the same way.We talked of birthdays and he wanted my kids birthdates.He said it was because you never know someday he may become their "step dad" and need to know them.My heart darn near jumped out of my body in shear delight that we were on the same page yet again.So new,so fresh,but so in love and just knowing.As time passes we find more and more our love grows and grows.We strengthen each other,we compliment each other,we had found our friend,our soulmate,our hearts(where we thought they were broken and unmendable,we found them open without walls and fuller than ever thought humanly possible)
My heart overflowing with joy,I now wear his ring on my finger.My dream is becoming a reality.I will marry my best friend on August 4th,2007.And if you don't believe in signs from God.If this doesn't sound like a match made in heaven.After we got the rings I sat one day just looking at it.Not sure why ,I took it off and looked inside.There ingraved in the gold was a very very small inscription.It simply said"cupid (and the k's).Cupid.com was where we first met.It will be a constant reminder to me of where I very first saw the love of my life.Neither of us had seen it when we purchased them.God has blessed me so totally.And I will be forever thankful.
So I lost my way,felt defeated,broken and when I least expected it I found my soulmate,my best friend and the missing link to make me complete.
The rest of my life will not only be full with the love I have for my kids,but also the love I have for a man I can no longer live without.A friend of mine said it best"You need to be with the one you can't be without...not just the one you can be with"


Only in my dreams...until...
I wanted to marry my best friend,but it happened only in my dreams.
I wanted to share feelings with my love,but it happened only in my dreams.
I wanted to talk openly to my love,but it happened only in my dreams.
I wanted to be heard by my love,but it happened only in my dreams.
I wanted to feel the love I gave,but it happened only in my dreams.
I wanted to be a partnership,but it happened only in my dreams.
I wanted to be happy,but it happened only in my dreams.
Until one day I met you,I thought it was only in my dreams.
But I was awake,fully,completely,you came to me,became my best friend,
share my feelings,talk,listen,hear me,love me as I love you,
you are my partner, you make me completely happy,and have asked me to be your wife.
Forever I will cherish you my love.
For now when I am awake or asleep you will always be my reality and
forever fill my dreams with love.